How can I get admitted to the Monsters University?

You have to at least score a 1700 on the grotesque face test. Anything less than cracked mirrors and screaming pedestrians is unacceptable. If you can look in the mirror for more than one second than you've already failed. Second you have to smell like a puss ridden molded fat sack of splattered sweet potatoes . Try masturbating into your own feces for the desired aroma. Second you have to have no more than teen teeth each. Try eating live worms out of a bar wire bucket for three days straight and then go taunt your nearest angry conservative for a shotgun rhinoplasty. Then comes the tentacles. For every tooth you lose during your transformation you will be provided with 2 inches of tentacles. Junior members get horns. And these aren't just any horns. They'll do more than just make your head feel good. Then comes the scare factory. Do you have what it takes to scare people? Are you a scary person? No. Good. Most people aren't but after are training camp you'll parents will never be able to look at you the same way again. They'll run but with time they'll learn to accept you for what you've always wanted to be.

Find some space-cows and drink their milk and you will hallucinate a talking cactus. The cactus is shy but very nice, try not to say anything mean to him. He will assess your spirit, and if you are worthy, he will give you the Sombrero of Nachoness, a trophy of courage, heart and heroics. You will then be transported to the maze of no escape. There will be an escape door to your left. You will see the sausage roll path ahead of you. It is a roll made out of sausage rolls. Continue down this passage and you will reach the Palace of Alice. knock on the door, and ask for sir Giraffington. Offer him a gift, preferably apple-chocolate-cheese flavoured jelly. He will give you the key to... the door. Open the door, and boom, you have arrived at Hogwarts.

OHHH, you wanted to go to Monsters University?? Sorry, I don't know how the hell to get there.

Scare everyone.