Why can pets be better than children?

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The

other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw

print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it

becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing

in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.

Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help

because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry

about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to

ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when

they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other

stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that

sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other

end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If

by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it

is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get

your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit

through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom

for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's

butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on

our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the

furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'nature.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter

who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less

2. Don't ask for money all the time

3. Are easier to train

4. Normally come when called (well, OK, the cat thinks about it)

5. Never ask to drive the car

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends

7. Don't smoke or drink

8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions

9. Don't want to wear your clothes

10. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college.

And finally,

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.