Baldev

Hi, I will be relocating to Kuwait shortly and I was hoping to get some information about places to live where Indians are living, preferably close to Al Ahmadi area.

Hi I am new to Bahrain and I got a learners driving license but still trying to find an instructor here. Everyone I call is busy, can anyone give me any contact info for a driving instructor for Adliya area

I want to search my friends in Yahoo India.

How can I do that.

I just know their name

A tribute to all the girls in this world, and this is true very true………

Why women are sooooo different and so special!!!!!!

Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said,

"I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches.

Rinsed out the popcorn bowls,

Took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening,

Checked the cereal box levels,

Filled the sugar container,

Put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning

She then put some wet clothes in the dryer,

Put a load of clothes into the washer,

Ironed a shirt and secured a loose button

She picked up the game pieces left on the table,

Put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.

She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.

She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.

She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher,

Counted out some cash for the excursion and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair.

She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her bag.

Mum then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night Solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.

Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed."

"I'm on my way," she said.

She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on.

She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and radios, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day and straightened up the shoe rack.

She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list

She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.

About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular.

"I'm going to bed." And he did...without another thought.

Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...?

'CAUSE THEY ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL.......

(and they can't die sooner, they still have things to do!!!!)

This is for all the men so that they know why women are so special :).........!

So today I take the opportunity to thank God for creating women for being a mother, sister, wife, daughter and a friend, otherwise we would have still been just like animals

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!!!."

A sign in the Bank Lobby Reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing the new DRIVE–THROUGH teller machine enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedure outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender".

MALE PROCEDURE:

1) Drive up to the cash machine.

2) Put down your car window.

3) Insert card in to machine and enter PIN.

4) Enter the amount of cash required and withdraw.

5) Retrieve Card and Receipt.

6) Put window UP.

7) Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1) Drive up to cash machine.

2) Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3) Set parking brakes, put the window down.

4) Find handbag, remove all the contents on passenger seat to locate card.

5) Tell the person on cell phone you will call him back and hang up.

6) Attempt to insert card into machine.

7) Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8) Insert card.

9) Re–insert card the right way.

10) Dig through the handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11) Enter PIN.

12) Press cancel and re–enter correct PIN.

13) Enter amount of cash required.

14) Check make–up in rear view mirror.

15) Retrieve cash and receipt.

16) Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17) Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18) Re-check makeup.

19) Drive forward 2 feet.

20) Reverse back to cash machine.

21) Retrieve card.

22) Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided.

23) Give dirty look to irritated male driver behind you.

24) Re-start stalled engine and pull off.

25) Redial person on cell phone.

26) Drive for 2 – 3 miles.

27) Release parking brakes.

David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Socrates

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Anonymous

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

This is just a joke not posted to offend anyone.....

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the Race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S *** OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the

pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ***.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get

rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS *** FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?

WELL…..YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE…

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT

UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ASSED,

GREY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

IDIOT ASKED:

' WHAT DID YOU TEACH? '

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.

The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer . 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.

And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.

But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My , that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.

mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.

It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted !!!.

This is a collection of leave letters and applications read and enjoy……

1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:

Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.

2. This is from Oracle Bangalore:

From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days."

3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:

"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave."

4. From H.A.L. Administration dept:

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10' o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

6. An incident of a leave letter

"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

7. A leave letter to the headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

9. Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."

10. Another one:

"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

11. Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

12. Letter writing: -

"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

13. A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'...As I am both!!for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'  She asked.

'Hunting Flies'     He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'    She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.

'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,

'3 were on a beer can,

2 were on the phone.

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A Senior Manager working in an MNC, as usual after lunch goes to the cafeteria for coffee. He relaxes in canteen. He sees a canteen boy cleaning tables there. To Kill time he decides to have fun with him. He calls him.

Senior Manager - (Asks canteen boy) : How much do you earn?

Canteen boy smiles...

Senior Manager - what are your future plans?

Canteen boy keeps quiet...

Senior Manager - where do you see yourself 10 years down the line?

Canteen boy gives a cold stare.

Senior Manager - Jab mai yahan aaya tha tab mere paas bhi kuch nahi Tha.... Aaj mere paas kya nahin hai...

Naam hai..........,

Shohrat hai.........,

Paisa hai............

Izzat Hai.............,

Tumhare paas kya hai?

Don't think that he answered like Shashi Kapoor of Deewar ki 'MerePaas Maa hain'

Canteen boy - Saab mere paas bahut KAAM hai....

Senior Manager leaves the cafeteria silently.......

Why are men never depressed ~ don’t you agree??

Men are just Happier People--- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-Shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol pump restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn on a bolt.

Same work more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress 5000/-. Suit rental 1000/-

People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

New shoes don’t cut, blister or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get an extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend

Your underwear is 100/- for a pack of three.

Three pair of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problem in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Every thing on your face stays in its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, may be decades

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life

One wallet and one pair of shoes—one color for all seasons

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look

You can DO your nails with a pocket knife

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes

No wonder men are happier

Dating process...

6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.

6 months : Of course I love U.

6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:

6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.

6 months : BACK!!

6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:

6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.

6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.

6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:

6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.

6 months : Here, for you.

6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:

6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!

6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?

6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:

6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.

6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.

6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:

6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.

6 months : You bought a new dress again???

6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:

6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??

6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?

6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:

6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?

6 months : I like this movie.

6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself

---------------------#

So which stage r u guyz now?....6 weeks or months or years?...

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = You Can Understand

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OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

*********************************************************************************

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife

*********************************************************************************

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

*********************************************************************************

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

*********************************************************************************

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

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PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

*********************************************************************************

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE!!!!!!!

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Few Good things to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1.) If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!

Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!

2.) Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!

3.) Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!

4.) He was a good man. He never smoked, drank & had no affairs.

When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.

They said, he who never lived, cannot die!

5.) So many options for suicide:

Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we choose Marriage, slow & sure!

6.) Only 20 percent boys have brains, the rest have girlfriends!

7.) All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!

8.) Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru

We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi

Ab aap bataaye kiski sune bapu di ya chacha di???

9.) When things go wrong, when sadness fills your heart,

When tears flows from your eyes always say these words…

Eh Ganpat, chal daru la…

10.) 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.

Which makes it a logical statement that

90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!

Piyo Sar Utha Ke!

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DIVORCE VS MURDER

------------------------------------

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!

They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

(From the mouth of a little girl)

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am.

I was maybe 3 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was

one of my favourite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the

evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to

him,

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

....Mothers know!!

MONDAY

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY

Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

Two women were playing golf..

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,"she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel"?

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,

An alarm will sound,

The toilet paper roll will retract,

The stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management